Acceptable Foods to Eat in the Back of a Lyft

Have some respect

We’ve all been there. Waiting for our rideshare, hangry, needing a little something to help us endure the ride. Maybe it’s a long drive to the airport. Maybe you’re in need of a pre-dinner snacklet. But what to eat? There are rules, etiquette, the right way to do things. Here are the rules for foods that are acceptable to eat in the back of a Lyft.

1. The food must be packaged, wrapped, or contained.

   1. Fruit is not your friend here. The food must have originated in some kind of packaging. And no, natural packaging does not count. Why? Because, rule #2:

2. The remnants of the food must be returned from whence they came.

   1. Apples to do not have packages. What are you going to do with the core? Put it in your pocket? I don’t think so. Wrap it in a napkin? Let’s say you remembered a napkin, which you did not. Now you’re going to put your wet, apple soaked napkin in your pocket? Barbarian.

3. The food must not have a smell.

   1. Obviously.

4. The food must not have cheesy remains.

   1. Cheetos and Doritos, I’m looking at you.

5. It cannot be a hot food.

   1. Name a hot food that comes in a package that won’t spill or smell. You can’t. The end.

6. The food must not have crumbs.

   1. No muffins, croissants, dried packets of noodles or anything else that might fall onto the seat or floor of the Lyft. Were you raised in a barn?

So where does this lead us? Here are your options:

• Nuts

• Dried fruit

• Potato chips if you leave the tiny crumbs in the bottom

• Pre-packaged popcorn if same

• A sandwich you made from home

  • Don’t go spilling that cheap Subway/Jimmy John’s lettuce in the car

• Grapes if they are de-stemmed and in a container or Ziploc bag

• Tortilla chips with no salsa or dips of any kind

• A hot pretzel is acceptable without mustard, and honestly who wants a pretzel without mustard.

• Insert your suggestions in the comments below, but please know, I will fight you.

This entire post is Russ’s fault so if you’re mad at me, blame him.

What to do

Watch:

Merpeople (Netflix)- I put this on in the background while working and before the end I was googling Mermaid certification which is definitely a thing. People are getting through life any way they can and this is one of the more harmless, colorful options.

The Other Two (HBOMax)- If you like cringe comedy, this is the show for you. I, a person who still has to mute some parts of The Office, could not handle it, but it gets rave reviews and I can see why. Plus, Molly Shannon.

Manifest (Netflix)- If you, like me, have been putting this show off, the final eps are on Flix so now is the time to binge it all. I have been yelling at my teevee all day.

Listen:

The Girl in the Blue Mustang (podcast)- His Majesty Keith Morrison is back. It’s another Dateline true crime drama but let’s not pretend that any of us can ever get enough.

Ayoade on Top (audiobook)- I belong to the Richard Ayoade Travel Man fandom so when I was looking for audiobooks for my long flights I thought what better (other than the Harry Potters that I obviously keep downloaded at all times) than Ayoade doing Ayoade? Well, it is perhaps too much Ayoade, but still, his absolutely absurd idea to write a detailed, satirical analysis of- I am not kidding- Gwyneth Paltrow’s middling rom-com A View From The Top is so ridiculous that it is absolutely worth giving a listen.

Read:

Let’s all pretend we’re shocked that “we buy ugly houses” is a scam.

The only good thing about this story is that it proves that Black women can run cults too. Progress!

Less by Andrew Sean Greer. This remarkable, Pulitzer Prize-winning book about a man traveling the world on the eve of his 50th birthday is beautiful but also sad because I thought I’d have everything figured out by 50 and I guess I was wrong.

TikToks of the Week:

Everyone else can stop trying, Paris has won Pride.

CHER PLAYING ALL THE PARTS OF WEST SIDE STORY. I REPEAT, CHER PLAYING ALL THE PARTS OF WEST SIDE STORY.

Why can’t America have nice things?