America Has a Shame Kink
It's time for some national self care
I was ready to start traveling alone the second I turned 18. I spent my first year of college planning, researching, and saving to go abroad for the summer and when June finally hit, I was off to England. While I was working my exciting new job (special event waitressing, extremely fun), going to my internship at a theatre company, and learning about pub culture, I was told repeatedly that I should put a Canadian flag on my backpack so no one thought I was American. As a person who had never once imagined not wanting to be an American, as well as someone who had grown up traveling and, while occasionally I did get anti-American hate while out of the country (most memorably a Canadian woman who screamed at me about how terrible and stupid all Americans were because 15-year-old me asked for a stamp to send a postcard to my mom in America, which still feels like misguided anger) I couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to lie about where they were from and was also worried that if I put a Canadian flag on my backpack I would have to say “aboot” which I just did not think I could pull off.
Decades later, I understand it from multiple angles. For one, it does feel like it would be a lot easier to travel if you didn’t have to constantly hear about how much everyone hates you and everyone in your country. And for two, Americans are so incredibly quick to believe every ridiculous lie told about us and immediately apologize (Like that we’re soooo loud. Please, have you ever met an Italian or literally anyone from any Latin country ever? Tell me you’ve never been in an Irish pub without telling me you’ve never been in an Irish pub. And who gets to police joy anyways?? Be louder, maybe you’ll be happier! I’m not bitter about this at all obviously.).
Why? Because America has a shame kink.
You know it’s true. When is the last time you heard something bad about America and didn’t immediately agree? Even when you objectively knew it wasn’t true. I mean we have kids on social media right now emphatically arguing that China is a more just, fair, and equitable country that the United States. CHINA. For some reason that I will never understand, every American not born in Texas has been imbued with a deep internal belief that everything we do is wrong and everyone everywhere else is doing everything better.
Just last week I was talking to a guy in Charlottesville, Virginia, an absolutely lovely, peaceful, incredibly walkable city and he was saying how much he loved going to France for the first time because of all of the lovely walkable cities with great transportation. Like dude, Charlottesville has free buses and a very nice train station that will take you to any major city on the Eastern seaboard in four hours or less, what are you talking about. I once saw a tiktok in which a European girl said that water is more hydrating in Europe than America and that’s why we have to drink more of it here and Americans in the comments were agreeing. Think about that one.
Am I saying that we shouldn’t criticize our country? Of course not. I’m an activist, my whole job is to find things that are wrong with this country and fix it. I am a Black woman who works with unhoused people every day, believe me, I am acutely aware of all of the problems we have. But I don’t spend every waking hour trying to make this place better because I hate it. I do it because I love this place more than anything and I truly believe that we can be better. Because we are better now than we have ever been. How do I know that? I’m not a slave, I can have my own credit card, and I can drink from any water fountain that I want to.
Every July 4th I watch Paul Giamatti’s John Adams in which we are reminded that Abigail Adams is really the person who founded this country. Thanks Abby. Back when Twitter wasn’t owned by a Nazi clown I used to live tweet my annual viewing and left leaning tweeters would always be shocked and appalled that I celebrate July 4th. Left leaning tweeters who were, at that exact moment, enjoying literally hundreds of every day privileges that they only have because they live here.
This phenomenon is especially strong in Americans who live abroad. I was recently in Portugal enjoying a day of surfing with a group of international expats, all of whom are enjoying a wildly privileged life in their new country precisely because they are not from there. One of the Americans was showing off for his international friends and said, I kid you not, “There are no brick houses in America, they’re all made of cheap materials”. To which I of course immediately said, “My house is made of brick.” Because it is. And also because that is one of the top three stupidest things I have ever heard and Donald Trump has been my president not once but twice.
This happens all of the time though. Americans abroad always feel like they have to hate on their country first to get ahead of all of the hatred that they’ll get from their international companions. God forbid they defend their country, the privileges of which are why they are able to live in nice houses and send their kids to expensive schools that the locals could never afford. It’s like Mean Girls but they’re mean girling themselves. As a kid who was bullied throughout my entire academic career, I understand the impulse. But when my fifth grade bully checked out the entire Amelia Bedelia compendium and put it on my desk and told all of the kids that I was Amelia Bedelia I didn’t hang my head in shame and say you’re right I’m such a dumb awkward nerd (although two out of three of those were true). No, I read all of the books and loudly proclaimed to the class that Amelia Bedelia was the absolute best. She was. And I, clearly, was deeply uncool.
One of the things I love most about our country is how much we care about the well being of humans in the rest of the world. We’ll be the first to protest our own government about an unjust war in some far flung area, we will send our hard earned pennies to any country facing a natural disaster, and even when we don’t like the politics of a nation, we feel for the people. We may hate Putin but most Americans really really hope that Russians can get rid of him and live happy, healthy, vodka-fueled lives. The same is not true the other way around. The world right now is dancing in glee because of our hardship. We saw this on January 6th too. We would, as a nation, absolutely never make fun of any country that was going through what we are going through, in fact we would be the first to offer any assistance we could. We always do. And yet at our lowest moment, we are not getting any of that care and consideration in return. So we absolutely have to give it to ourselves.
America needs a self care moment.
We need to take a step back and remember why we love each other, ourselves, and every single inch of this incredible country. If we don’t, we won’t bother to fight for it. And I think it’s very clear by now that no one else is going to fight for us.
Kat