An Open Letter to A Recently Laid Off Department of Education Employee

We're here for you

Hey buddy,

You’re probably having a bad day. You’re losing your job, and that sucks. Elon Musk’s virgin brigade has let you go and now you have to deal with COBRA, unemployment, and trying to get a job at Mohela. I’m here for you bud. I just have one little favor to ask.

Could you, if at all possible, if you could see your way to it, maybe, just really quickly, DELETE THE ENTIRE STUDENT LOAN DATABASE ON YOUR WAY OUT?

I know, it’s asking a lot. It’s probably more than a few keystrokes, although the Dept of Ed is still running on LINUX 3.0 or something so actually maybe it is just a few keystrokes. Either way, it’s not like you’re going to get much work done in your last few days, you can make it happen.

Maybe you’re worried that this is a federal offense possibly. First of all, who knows? No one, really. Second, Pam Bondi is the Attorney General and she’s functionally illiterate so she will never figure it out. Third, this is a great time to get back at Gregg in accounting for eating your lunch that one time. Remember:

And look, have you heard of the housing crisis? The price of eggs? Hear me out- if you go to prison, you’ll get three meals a day, free housing, and every American who used to owe student loans will lavish you with so much commissary credit you’ll be decorating your bunk with stamps just because you can.

Now is the time to stand up against fascism, get revenge on Elon Musk, and save millions of Americans from trillions of dollars in student debt. You could be the hero who does all three. You could be our Harry Potter. Our Samwise Gamgee. Our Luigi Mangione.

So go ahead, delete that database. Erase the debt that we signed up for when we were too young to understand compound interest or the fact that student loan debt is late stage capitalism’s way to make sure that even with higher education we are still just serfs tied to the grindstone. I promise, you’ll feel great. And you’ll get lots of photos in prison.

Your pal,

An American in Student Loan Debt

Choose the Bear

Today’s episode features a conversation with Nicole Louie, author of the wonderful new book, Others Like Me. In her book, Nicole weaves her own childfree story through the stories of an incredibly diverse mix of women who all have their own unique stories to tell. I loved this book and loved the interview!

What to Do with Yourself

Watch

Heretic (Max)- Hugh Grant is in his adorable-but-terrifying era and it is masterful. This movie scared me so much I had to watch two episodes of Eugene Levy traveling the world before I could go to bed. After you watch, I recommend this YouTube video in which a former Mormon reviews the film and compares it to her own experience as a missionary.

Gladiator 2 (Paramount +)- This movie has ancient Rome, Colosseum fights, Pedro, Denzel, and Jacobi. So that’s enough of a reason to watch it, in spite of the “plot” and ridiculous retconning. Come for the Denzel, stay for the soldiers in cute little skirts.

Gadget Man (Prime)- I am a huge Richard Ayoade fan, anyone who asks me for an audiobook rec will immediately be directed to Ayoade on Top, his critical analysis of the Gwyneth Paltrow masterpiece, View from the Top, so I was thrilled when I stumbled upon this show. I’m already an avid fan of Travel Man, in which he embarks on fast paced world travel with his trademark I.T. Crowd sense of humor and a companion who is only famous in the UK and this is pretty much the formula for Gadget Man, except with gadgets, which I love. Most of my hobbies are only my hobbies because they have so many gadgets involved. My fellow photographers know what I mean. If you want to watch a snarky English man with a great head of hair work his way through the Sharper Image catalogue, this is the show for you.