Over the last few days I’ve had an Alien movie marathon. Why? Well, in the immortal words of that guy who climbed Everest, “Because they were there”. Hulu is featuring all of the movies because they have some sort of Alien Extended Universe show coming out next year which will probably be terrible and I thought, sure, why not. I had only seen the first two films (there are about 200 now) so I dove in. Here are my thoughts:
Alien is the perfect movie, because a woman is right, no one listens to her, and then they all die. This is the way the world should work. I started calling this the “Listen to Ripley” series because in every single movie if they just freaking LISTENED TO RIPLEY everyone would live and there would be no need for a movie.
The films could also be called “listen to science and/or basic common sense” because these people, for space explorers especially, are just wildly reckless with their health. They walk onto alien planets with not a mask in sight, touch EVERYTHING, bathe in the blood of the infected, treat horrifying creatures as if they’re adorable koalas (WHICH WILL KILL YOU), and flagrantly disobey every quarantine rule known to man. Frankly, it’s a miracle these people managed to live long enough to build spaceships at all.
We have to stop letting corporations do things. This seems especially apropos considering the incoming presidential administration. Every time the aliens are almost wiped out, a corporation swoops in to ruin the day because, gee, maybe we can use these vicious, violent, impossible to stop aliens to build a weapon. Stop letting celebrities start schools and stop letting corporations do things.
Nothing is better than a surprise Winona Ryder moment. My heart leapt with joy when Winona and her pixie haircut showed up in Alien I want to say four. Maybe three. Who can tell. She was cute and brave and an android who stole my heart. MORE WINONA 2025.
We need a show about colonists terraforming a planet. We have a lot of shows in which terraforming is mentioned, where it’s a plot point (100% of the time because the terraforming has gone terribly wrong and the colonists are dying in one of a million ways and someone has to rescue them), or where we see the after effects, but I want a 4 season prestige show about people actually doing the work. If this exists, please ping me.
The first one is still be best. Alien one still holds up and, while I actually really enjoyed the remaining 199 films, you can’t beat the original. They just don’t make movies like they used to. Even when the same people are making them.
Choose the Bear- This week’s episode features Therese Shechter, a documentary filmmaker whose film My So-Called Selfish Life about women living wild and crazy childfree existences is excellent. Listen to the interview, watch the documentary, tell me what you thought.
What to do with yourself
Watch
All of the Alien movies, obvs. (Hulu)
The Piano Lesson (Netflix)- Even if I wasn’t completely in love with John David Washington I would recommend this movie, despite the fact that I really hate August Wilson and wish Denzel was obsessed with literally any other playwright on Earth. BUT, this nepo baby extravaganza was actually not terrible. I mean it’s just the worst play ever written but if you have to watch an August Wilson play at least watch one with a hottie, a wildly talented Danielle Deadwyler, and a haunted piano. Malcolm Washington, the third most attractive man in the Washington household, actually did a pretty good job directing his dad’s movie for a first timer. But, I’m not going to lie, I didn’t actually start enjoying it until the ghost stuff started happening and then I was like, oh right, there’s ghost stuff.
Listen
The Man in the Black Mask (podcast)- Keith Morrison’s latest limited podcast series is about a Canadian filmmaker, a missing man, and one of the dumbest murderers of all time.
Maxwell MTV Unplugged- Probably the greatest MTV Unplugged of all time (despite what Rolling Stone says). Remember when MTV was great? Sigh.
Read
Just when I thought I couldn’t love the Postal Service more, I found out that people used to mail their babies. I haven’t stopped laughing.