No Honor Among Thieves

It took two Scaramuccis for this breakup to get messy

When I was in the first grade in an adorable little German school next door to a bakery that I remember to this day, I had a best friend. One day, this best friend and another girl beat me up behind the school while calling me a “dirty American”. It would be many years until I understood the American part, but I remember the shock of being hurt by the girl I thought was my friend. By the time I was a teenager, this would be a familiar feeling.

Because of this, I am always surprised when anyone becomes friends with Trump after Michael Cohen. Didn’t we all learn from him that no matter how close you are, how many bodies you have buried, you are still disposable the second you become inconvenient to Trump? Didn’t we all witness the revolving door of his White House, when all but the most despicable vermin were booted out almost as soon as they got in? Don’t we all know how this goes?

We do, but we are not the most delusional man in the world. We are not the guy who buys businesses, kicks out the visionary founders, and then pretends that he started the whole thing himself. We are not the guy who desperately misses Apartheid and likes to pretend there is some sort of white genocide happening in South Africa. We are not the guy trying to populate the Earth with the worst genes in history. We, thank freaking God, are not Elon Musk.

Elon, no doubt, thought that he was better than those other shmucks. After all, he’s a cool genius who can dance well and whose face definitely does not look like clay after it has been punched. He’s the guy who bought a Presidential election even though he couldn’t even buy one Wisconsin judge. He’s THE GUY. Right? So, just as he waltzed into Twitter and to this day probably thinks he is doing a good job running it, he thought he could walk into the White House, fire half the Federal work force, not become America’s most hated almost-human, not completely tank the shares of all of his other businesses, and stay on Trump’s good side all at the same time. Spoilers: He could do none of those things.

Trump, on the other hand, or what’s left of him, is so deluded as to think that he could deny the world’s second most spoiled man child something that he wanted and that he wouldn’t immediately go nuclear. Which is weird, because Trump is the world’s first most spoiled man child and he goes nuclear literally every day.

But there is no honor among thieves, and no sanity among narcissistic nepo babies with more power than sense.

And so we are all being treated to the fireworks show that literally everyone in the world except the Trump and Elon saw coming.

Everyone knew this would end up in a wild breakup. Everyone knew they would end up battling it out on the two terrible social media platforms that they own. Everyone knew that they both have the emotional range of a firefly and absolutely would not be able to keep the bromance going for more than six months. The only surprise is that it lasted as long as it did.

In my book, this is another win. This is another example to the American voters that the man a little more than half of them elected absolutely does not give a flying fuck about their lives. He rage tweets about Taylor Swift, obsesses over journalists who ask him actual questions, gives some of the most unhinged and rambling speeches, even for him, that we have ever seen, and now is in the Pride breakup to end all Pride breakups and doesn’t have the dignity to keep it behind closed doors. This is just more of what we needed the voters to see.

Keep it up, Trumpster. Midterms are coming.

Kat

P.S. Elon- We already knew that Trump was in the Epstein files. Try harder.

This weekend

A NEW WES ANDERSON MOVIE! AND HE HAS FINALLY DISCOVERED MICHAEL CERA! PRAISE BE TO THE CINEMA GODS!

Have yourself a Wickathon and then go see Ballerina, the new first movie in the John Wick Cinematic Universe.

Watch Sirens on Netflix and tell me what you think, or catch up on Poker Face on Peacock, or, I don’t know, go outside because it’s summer and everything is beautiful. Day drink and cozy up to a book in a hammock, get a last minute hotel room at a cute little place with a great pool, play Uncharted on your PlayStation and tell me if you’re dying as often as I am or if I am just not very good at video games.

June is the perfect month for us to remember that life is beautiful, the world is a wondrous place, and summer is finally upon us. Unless you’re in Australia.