Queen of the Crime Stoppers

Dial K-A-T when you need saving

Petty crime has become a real problem in our beachside community. Before COVID we never had any crime. It was kind of a joke. The Citizen app was boring. But then the pandemic hit, and all of a sudden our bikes were being stolen, mailboxes were being broken into, packages were disappearing. People are out here doing crime like it’s a big city or something and it has been very upsetting. One of the big problems around town is the rampant theft of catalytic converters- they’re a thing your car needs but they’re made of precious materials and are actually pretty easy to steal. Convenient.

So last night I’m taking the dogs for a walk when I see this car full of dudes parked in front of my car and another dude PUTTING A LIFT UNDER MY CAR. I walk right up to him and say Excuse me, can I help you? THIS IS MY CAR. He jumped into the getaway car like his ass was on fire and they zoomed off. CRIME STOPPED. Of course, that was the easy part. Getting in touch with LAPD has proved impossible because LAPD is not here to protect you, just to blow up your neighborhood.

But anyways, this was my big exciting moment for the week and today I have been recovering with new episodes of The Circle and Nailed It. Fighting crime is exhausting.

In other news, the joke of a GOP recall failed miserably but that hasn’t stopped our neighborhood Qanons from tabling outside of Ralph’s trying to get enough signatures to recall our city councilman and district attorney. They have to go because they believe homeless people are people and that maybe juveniles shouldn’t be in prison for life for petty crimes. *insert eyeroll emoji* You’d think after the beatdown they took yesterday that they’d take a day to regroup but they just keep plowing on. Good luck, I guess.

What to watch:

Only Murders in The Building (Hulu)- Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez start a podcast to solve a murder in their building. The only thing wrong with this show is that there’s not enough of it.

LulaRich (Prime)- It’s the MLM documentary we’ve been waiting for. It has everything: ugly leggings that smell like farts, adopted siblings who marry each other, schemes that look exactly like pyramids but are not pyramid schemes because Amway successfully lobbied Congress in the 70s. Pop the popcorn, pour the wine, and settle in for four episodes of MLM delight.

The Gloaming (HBO)- This show is not new but I found it somehow and couldn’t stop watching. It’s a cop drama set in TASMANIA, which I now want to visit, WITH WITCHES, which is part of why I want to visit. It’s very dark and very very good.

What to listen to:

Life after MLM and The Dream (podcasts)- After you watch LulaRich you’re going to want to fall into an MLM hole and tiktok, reddit, and instagram are here for you. But don’t miss Life After MLM, a podcast hosted by one of the women in the docuseries, in which people talk about their experiences in every MLM you can think of. The Dream is a fantastic podcast (season 1, season 2 went off the rails) that takes a more narrative approach to examining MLMs. How are these things still a thing???

Newton’s Law (podcast)- Not satisfied with being the guy who invented calculus and discovered gravity, it turns out Isaac Newton was also in charge of the Royal Mint. And the story is wild. This podcast tells it really well, you’ll be hooked to every episode.

The Lion The Beast The Beat (Spotify)- I have loved Grace Potter and the Nocturnals for ages and recently went back to one of their old albums and remembered how good it is. The best tracks are the title track and Timekeeper. Do yourself a favor and give it a listen.

What to read:

Speaking of weird culty vibes, white women are losing their shit over cheap pottery at TJ Maxx.

Y The Last Man is a graphic novel written by Brain K. Vaughan, creator of Saga, one of the greatest stories of all time. The show was just released on Hulu so read, watch, and enjoy something that is actually original in a world of remakes.

After you watch The Gloaming you’re going to want to visit Tasmania. This NY Times article will stoke that fire.