Surprise! That Poop Startup Was A Scam
I'm starting to see a pattern...
Do you ever heard a story about a Silicon Valley scam and you think “I’ve heard this one before”? Well, you have. Because they’re all the same. Except, my new favorite one involves poop. Poop in the mail.
I love at-home “medical” tests. I have probably purchased every fake biology spit-in-a-vial kit that exists. I did one once that required having a nurse come to my home and take vials of blood out of my arm. And a weird one where I breathed into a little machine before and after working out. It was supposed to tell me about my metabolism but every time it did something wrong the fake nurse at customer service would blame some new form of user error that would contradict the instructions I had been given before. Why? Because it was a scam.
This love of home tests is partially due to my never ending quest to solve my strange and annoying form of weight retention, partially because doctors are out here trying to kill black women, and partially it’s because I really just want to know what’s happening in my body at all times. Mostly it’s the weight thing.
But of all of the tests that I would willingly throw hundreds of dollars and multiple vials of spit at, there was never, ever, a gelato’s chance in hell that I was going to do uBiome. Nothing on Earth could compel me to PUT MY POOP IN THE MAIL. I don’t even know how that’s legal. I saw these commercials all of the time and let out a loud “nooooope” every time. Well, shocker of shockers- THE POOP STARTUP WAS A SCAM. The science was as dubious as anything Gwyneth Paltrow has ever made a Netflix special about but the biggest scam was defrauding insurance companies which is the #1 way to ensure that the FBI will come knocking on your door. Which they did. And then broke it down. And then took all of the employee’s computers.
The founders of this scam are LITERAL FUGITIVES and not the Harrison Ford kind.
This is a great story because it involves poop and fugitives but it is also an important story because we absolutely refuse to learn. Elizabeth Holmes is on trial and I am very afraid that she will be acquitted. Rivian is supposedly worth more than Ford Motor Company and I just saw the first one in the wild this week. The Zuckerbot is apparently now taking over the Metaverse which is apparently a thing. People are mailing their poop. Things have gotten out of hand and at some point we have to do something because our economy, the world’s economy, is in the hands of white men who give millions of dollars to A POOP BY MAIL COMPANY. And by “we” I do not mean me because I, personally, am eagerly awaiting the next apocalypse. Bring on 2022!
Watch:
Tiger King 2 (Flix)- You guys, we may owe Carole Baskin an apology.
Cowboy Bebop (Flix)- Binge the animated classic immediately, it will change your life, and then binge the new live action show on Friday. I will probably recommend this again. Cowboy Bebop is the best.
Afro Samurai and Samurai Champloo (Hulu)- Because after you watch Cowboy Bepop you’re going to want more awesome Americanish anime, and Samuel L. Jackson is in Afro Samurai.
Listen:
The Journal: What Went Wrong With uBiome (podcast)- Clearly I just listened to this podcast and then wrote this newsletter.
Bad Bets: Enron (podcast)- It’s the 20th anniversary of the Enron collapse so it’s a good time to listen to this story and remember the drama.
BRITNEY IS FREE!!! LISTEN TO ALL OF HER MUSIC!!!!
Read:
Earth has two moons! Huzzah!
I will never forgive myself for not becoming an astronaut, but at least other black women continue to make excellent life choices that involve going to space.
I subscribe to too many magazines, so of course I recently subscribed to one more. You should subscribe to some too. Here are some of my favs: Whalebone. Lapham’s Quarterly. Conde Nast Traveler. Travel & Leisure. Click. Outside. Iron & Air. National Geographic. The Paris Review.