The Only Holiday Best Of List You Need
And a Festivus for the rest of us.
It has come to my attention that most people are not celebrating this corporate shopping season in the appropriate spirit. I am here to change that. Behold, the only holiday viewing, listening, and reading lists that you will ever need.
Top 5 Christmas Movies (sorry other holidays, make more movies and then we’ll talk):
Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (trust me)
Nightmare Before Christmas (because Christmas is really all about Halloween)
Green Knight (it’s new, it’s dark, it’s Dev Patel)
Die Hard (if you still think this isn’t a Christmas movie, unsubscribe now)
Bad Santa (this is basically a documentary)
Top 10 Holiday TV Episodes (there are so many more but I had to stop at 10)
The Strike- Seinfeld season 9, episode 10 (obviously)
A Benihana Christmas- The Office season 3, episode 10
Afternoon Delight- Arrested Development season 2, episode 6
Citizen Knope- Parks and Recreation season 4, episode 10
A Rugrats Chanukah- Rugrats season 4, episode 1
Ludachristmas- 30 Rock season 2, episode 9
Back For Christmas- Alfred Hitchcock Presents season 1, episode 23 (because there’s no Christmas without MURDER)
All of the Doctor Who Christmas specials
An Echolls Family Christmas- Veronica Mars season 1, episode 10
Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas- Community season 2, episode 11
Top 10 Christmas Songs (again, other holidays, write more songs)
Christmas in Hollis- Run D.M.C. (the undisputed champion)
Angels We Have Heard on High- Christina Aguilera
Santa Claus Goes Straight to the Ghetto- James Brown
Santa Claus Goes Straight to the Ghetto- Nate Dogg, Snoop Dogg
Happy Seasons- Earth, Wind, and Fire
The Entire Preacher’s Wife Soundtrack and the Movie
Every Jackson 5 Christmas Song
Jesus Oh What A Wonderful Child- Mariah Carey (HEAR ME OUT- All I Want For Christmas Is You is not even the best song on the album. All Hail the Christmas Queen.)
Back Door Santa- Bon Jovi (literally just because of the name)
Carol of the Bells- Mannheim Steamroller (you pretend you don’t like it, but you do)
BONUS- All versions of Baby It’s Cold Outside which is only problematic if you think women have weak minds and no agency in which case I would direct you to literally any book about Gloria Steinem and or science.
I lied about the reading part. I have never read a Christmas book in my life except for How The Grinch Stole Christmas which is, as far as I am concerned, the only book you need to read in December.
Also, the Catholics are trying to kill Santa.
Next week: An airing of grievances.