Toxic Vulnerability

Late night deep thoughts

Recently, while watching a reality show (probably Love is Blind, possibly that terrible one with the house and the guys and the three women) when I saw a familiar exchange. Two people are talking. Reality Show Person 1 is crying while talking about some deep trauma from their childhood. They cut to RSP 2 in the confessional, saying something to the effect of “Now that RSP 1 has told me about this terrible thing that happened to them, I feel like I really know them.” This, ladies and gentlemen, is toxic vulnerability.

Somewhere along the road, we took a right turn at Brene Brown and drove straight off a cliff. We started to believe that the only way to be “vulnerable” (a word that at this point is as gross to me as “diversity” and “moist”) is to spill some deep dark secret from our past. If you Google “vulnerability” you’ll get a lot of definitions that specifically point out that you can only be vulnerable when sharing dark and painful secrets, not when sharing joy or happiness. In fact, being happy and joyful in the modern age will get you accused of being closed off and unable to share. We have taken a wild 180 from the age of toxic positivity (which I was loudly decrying but no one listens to me) to this current age in which you can only be truly trusted once you share the darkest part of yourself.

Newsflash: You are not the worst thing that ever happened to you. And if someone can’t trust you unless you tell them a terrible secret, they are not your friend, they are voyeurs. You do not ever have to share the darkest parts of your life with anyone just so they will like you. Ever.

It is actually possible to be happy and sharing that happiness shows just as much vulnerability, openness, and trust, as sharing sadness. We should be able to trust someone who is full of joy at least as much as someone who is full of pain. It is much, much more terrifying to confess love than hate. Much more inviting to express gratitude than regret.

Rather than vulnerability, I choose to use the phrase “emotional openness”. I think that leaves us with more room to engage with human beings as their full selves who experience the full range of emotions. Emotional openness allows us to express whatever it is that we are feeling at the moment, without fear of getting caught in the trauma Olympics, with each person trying to mine the sob story that they think will make them seem the most authentic.

What do you think? Has vulnerability gone too far? Are happy people trustworthy? Ping me or leave it in the comments.

Watch

Jeanne Dielman, 23, quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles (HBOMax)- I can’t tell you what it’s about, just give yourself a good amount of time, sit down, and enjoy the greatest movie of all time. DO NOT GOOGLE IT THE RESULTS GIVE THE PLOT AWAY IMMEDIATELY. IF YOU DO NOT LIKE OFF BEAT FOREIGN FILMS THIS IS NOT THE MOVIE FOR YOU.

Leonore Will Never Die (theatres)- This Filipino film reads like a B action movie. It’s basically about life under Duterte, but fun. The ending will make you think it was made by the Filipino Spike Lee but that’s because this is a 75 minute movie that they had to stretch out to 99 minutes for it to actually be a movie. Still worth it. After this, watch the excellent Lucky Grandma which is much better.

World Cup (Fox, Telemundo)- Yes it is still on. Yes Qatar still sucks. Yes Messi and Neymar are glorious. #peleforever

Listen

American Ivy (podcast)- This series about the history of ivy/preppy style is about way more than clothes and will also give you new respect for Ralph Lauren.

Beyond Meat Loses Its Sizzle- WSJ (podcast)- I sold my Beyond Meat stock when it was obvious that they were not going to recover. This podcast tells you why, but more importantly, it is another reminder (as if we need any more right now) that just because a person is white and charming and has a penis does not mean that he can run a business.

Your Spotify Wrapped (Spotify)- If you don’t have one, maybe your resolution for next year should be to listen to more music.

Read

Is someone trying to take a hit on you? You’d better hope they’re this stupid.

If your hospital has a snake bucket, you might be in Texas.

Things Are Never So Bad They Can’t Get Worse. This book is a devastating and necessary account of how Venezuela got to where it is. It will bum you out but it’s real and it’s happening and we should all understand why.